Console Wars: The Movie
by Hclegend
Summary: In another desperate bid for Shares, Neptune and the other CPUs signed up for a movie deal documenting the recently ended Console Wars. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
1. Console Wars I: The Selloutining!

"A ha ha! I shall murder you, Purple Heart!" Noire monologued in her CPU form, the two locked in an epic duel in a volcano about to erupt.

"No, it is _you_ who shall… Shall…" Purple Heart trailed off, seeming to look away from her bitter rival. "Son of a Nep, LINE!"

"IT IS YOU WHO SHALL PERISH." The director yelled at her. "Come on Neptune, did you even rehearse your lines?!"

Neptune reverted to her human form, pulling a script out of her jersey dress. "Oh _come on_, you expect me to read this shit? It's full of cliches and reads like a bad fanfiction!"

"Someone call?" An early-20s male popped his head on set.

"Fuck off Koei."

"Aight." He disappeared as fast as he appeared as Neptune sighed.

"Any_way_, why did we even agree to this drivel?" She slapped her script, actually looking it for once. "A romantic subplot between Vert and Blanc, some duel between Uzume and Rei Ryghts… Wait, I get killed off? The hell is this shit?" She threw the script into the "lava", soaking the pages with tomato soup. "I want to speak with the writer!" She stormed off set as Noire sighed and reverted to her own human form.

"This will take a while. I'll be in my trailer." She walked off-set as Nepgear wandered into frame.

"Uh… When are we scheduled to do the romance scene between me and Uni? We've been… Practicing in her trailer and I think we went a little far." She blushed while twiddling her fingers. "Girls can't get _pregnant_ from kissing, right?"

The director sighed. "Cut! We'll get back to this in ten!" He got up out of his chair and headed to his office as Neptune ranted to the head writer.

"And _another_ thing! What the _hell_ is that climax? I _die?_"

"W-well, you see we need a sacrifice to spur on the CPUs…"

"_I'M THE __**MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER**_ _AND YOU'RE KILLING ME OFF?" _She screamed at the intern who served as the writer for the movie. "I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT FOR DEFAMATION, YOU TALENTLESS HACK! YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A WRITER! IF THERE WEREN'T WITNESSES HERE I'D _RUN YOU THROUGH WITH MY FUCKING KATANA."_ She stormed off to her own trailer, slamming the door behind her in rage.

The person she was just ranting and raving at simply blinked. "It's my first day on the job…"

"I wouldn't worry about it." Blanc sighed, sitting in a cast chair as she waited for her own scene. "She's stressed out from all the pressure put on her. If the movie goes wrong, she gets the blame. Her _dumbass_ idea to do this for shares."

"Well, we did agree to be the stars instead of actors like Phonny Hepp and Chrom Tuise…" Vert sipped her tea, prop spear still through her torso from her "death" scene. "Only because Neptune wouldn't stop bothering us about it, mind."

"Those are _men._"

"Regardless…" Vert finished off her tea. "This tea is awful. Whoever made it should be executed." She threw the cup behind her in disgust.

"_That's_ your main problem?" Blanc massaged her temples. "This movie's cost _50 million credits_ and will more than likely bomb at the box office, and your main problem is the _tea?_" She took a drink of her own tea, before spitting it out in disgust. "Christ… You have a point."

"Idiot probably put the milk in first. Fucking interns." Vert up before heading to the prop department. "Someone help me remove this spear from my torso?"

"On it Green Heart!" A horny intern relished the chance to be near her favourite goddess as she followed him to the dressing room.

With the set deserted aside from Blanc, she took the chance to pull out the script. "Should have written it so _I _killed off Neptune." She admitted, being the lead writer of the film under an alias to protect her anominimity.

"Really should have." Koei wandered back into frame, finding out Blanc's dark secret completely by accident. "While you were at it…" He leaned over the chair where Vert sat. "Should have written a sub-plot between Iffy and I."

"No." She stated simply. "This is a _movie_, not a _documentary._ If you want a dramatised version of events, write your _own_ story."

"Fine. Enjoy your train wreck. I'll be in mine." He promptly fucked off to a much worse story.

She sighed, looking at her script. Where did it all go wrong?

"Oh. Yeah that'll explain it." She scanned over the part Neptune had rewritten in crayon, the scene they were just recording where Neptune ascends to NEXT Form and slays Black Heart in an epic duel to the death.

"Goddamn actresses." She muttered, tearing a page out of the script in a rage. "Thinking they can run the show. It's the writers who _truly_ matter, you melodramatic hacks!"

"I'm stood _right here._" Neptune said, having returned to the set in a huff.

"Yeah, I heard your boots clomping from here. Glad you heard it, you need to hear it." She held out her cup, still looking over her script. "Now get me a refill. Try not to put the milk in first."

"Bruh…" She grabbed the cup anyway. Pulling a flask out of her pocket to into other hand, Neptune poured some brown liquid to fill the cup as she drank at it. "Goddesses, this _is_ disgusting."

"You're meant to irish up _coffee_, first of all." Blanc pointed out, still reading over and correcting her script. "Second of all, I know it's disgusting. The tea itself is shit. Now chop chop, you're on in five."

Rolling her eyes, Neptune drank straight from the flask as she took the Irish tea with her to the canteen.

* * *

"It is _I_ who shall slay _you!"_ Purple Heart pointed her katana at Black Heart, accidentally poking her in the eye.

"_Fuck, my eye!_" Black Heart responded appropriately to being stabbed in a sensitive organ as the director sighed.

"CUT! For fucks sake Neptune, I said you take _two_ steps towards Noire, not _three_ and this is _why!_"

Purple Heart rolled her eyes. "Well, I wanted to be close for the epic trailer shot."

"At this rate, the trailer will be out _after_ the fucking movie!" The director rubbed his temples in frustration. "I swear of all the actors I've worked with… You're one of them."

"Was that _meant_ to be funny? Because it _wasn't._" Neptune snapped back as Noire returned to her human form before being tended to by on-site medical staff.

"Neither were the jokes you wrote into the script in _crayon._" Blanc yelled from the casts chairs. "Why didn't you run it by m- the head writer?"

"_Because the head writer mysteriously disappeared when you came on set, A.K. Yearling."_ Neptune narrowed her eyes at the author.

"Really? A My Little Pony reference?" Blanc put her head in her hands. "That show _ended!_ Nobody's going to get that reference!"

"Oh so _now_ we're getting meta?" Neptune approached the _other_ hack of an author on set, as Blanc stood face to face with her. "You didn't approve of the Deadpool-esque scene where I establish the world, but you want to argue semantics now that we're on set?"

"_YES! _Because you ousted me as the head fucking writer!"

"Actually… You put your real name on the script." Vert helpfully pointed. We didn't say anything to be polite."

"NOT THE TIME VERT. I need to prove a point. You. Me. That stage. Now. ROLL CAMERA."

"Wha-" The director tried to cut in.

"**DO IT NOW OR I WALK.**" Blanc threatened, forcing the director to improvise.

"You heard the angry loli. Roll cameras for… Neptune Vs. Blanc. Action!"

* * *

"The sudden fight scene between Neptune and Blanc was unexpected, but a great twist in an otherwise predictable movie." Blanc read the review of "Console Wars Episode I: The Fans Are a Menace."

"Those scars lasted for _weeks._" Neptune sighed as she read her own paper. "Neptune's death scene was melodramatic and unnecessary, but built up the final act perfectly. Son of a _bitch!_"

"Told you." Blanc smugly said, continuing to read the review. "So, how are we going to make up the loss?"

"Car wash?" Neptune suggested innocently. "I can get Nepgear in a swimsuit for tomorrow. The horny fans will be all _over_ her."

"Got it." Blanc snapped her fingers. "We work as strippers."

**Vert's run as "Leanbox's Lust" lasted 6 weeks. She made over 2 million Credits in tips.**

"**The Console Wars" bombed, ending at a 20 million credit loss. Critics lambasted it and it was voted "Worst Film of The Year" at the Neppies.**

**Neptune still has her award, hung up in the lobby of Planeptune's Basilicom.**

**They never did the car wash.**


	2. Console Wars II: Revenge Of The Shills!

"I cannot believe you still have that award hanging up in the Basilicom." Noire put a hand to her face as Neptune proudly showed off her "Worst Film of The Year" award from the Neppies.

"Well, it's my proudest moment." She stuck her tongue out playfully.

Noire gave a have lidded stare in return. "How is Planeptune still running…"

"Well there's Nep Jr., Histy, Kopey, Iffy, Compa Plutie, P-ko-." Neptune counted up the amount of people currently working at the Planeptune Basilicom, before being interrupted by Noire.

"I _get it._" the tsundere chided. "Those last two don't even live here."

"Well, neither do I technically but you know… Whatevs." The protagonist of _Sociopath With a Spellblade_ made his obligatory cameo. "Also you might get another shot at the Neppies, because you all signed up for a trilogy."

Noire blinked before realizing. "Oh _Goddesses above_, a sequel?"

"Join the club…" He muttered before exiting stage left, his job of expositing done without fuss.

"I'm sure you'll all do well without me." Neptune put her hand on her fellow CPUs' shoulder. "I was killed off in the last movie anyway, there's _no way that_-"

* * *

"Okay. How the _fucking Nep_ did this happen?" Neptune actually read her script this time, having learned from the last cha- movie that if she doesn't then she'll get killed off or something awful like that. "I was frozen in cryostasis until they could find a cure for and I quote "taking a knife into your heart"."

"Don't blame me." Blanc drank her tea, reading over her own script. "I get _fucked_ in this movie. Rom and Ram backstab me. Literally. I'm starting to wonder if this some sort of absurdist parody or if the writer is _this_ deluded." She turned towards the screen. "Of course, we all know it's the latter."

"Can we _not_ constantly break the fourth wall?" _Neptune_ of all people sighed. "Only so many times you can self-deprecate before the joke becomes stale. Plus we actually have a movie to perform in."

"At least they improved the catering." Vert sipped her tea. "Maybe they actually executed the guy who made that tea last time we were here."

"Probably replaced them with a British person… Oh yeah, that's canon in this timeline, isn't it?" Noire pondered aloud, earning a _look_ from Neptune. "Alright, alright. Didn't think _Neptune_ would start taking these seriously."

"Well, I am an award winning actress. I have to take my work seriously." Neptune stood up proudly before looking at her script again. "I GET KILLED OFF AGAIN?!"

* * *

"Wow. This script is awful." Uni noted as she looked at her own script. "I'm basically written like a hotter K-Sha with the yandere turned up to 11. And considering I'm Noire's _sister…"_

"I can hear the banjos from here." Nepgear sarcastically remarked.

*Nepgear has mastered the "Deadpan Snarker" ability!*

"Oooh! That one's actually pretty good!" Nepgear audibly squeed as Rom and Ram practised their lines in the corner.

"T-Time to die, B-Blanc… Ram, I'm not sure we should be doing these lines…" Rom worried about the implications of usurping their elder sister.

"It's not _real_, dummy!" The younger twin assured her more timid other half. "She'll be fine once the take's over… Probably." She recalled the "fight scene" she and Neptune had and those scars _lasted_ way after the movie's release.

"W-well. Alright." She cleared her throat. "DEAREST SISTER BLANC, WE WILL USURP YOU AND TAKE LOWEE FOR OURSELVES! FOR YOU ARE A FAILURE AS A CPU AND A _SISTER!_" Rom dramatically yelled, causing the other Candidates to give her a _look._ She wasn't even looking at her script!

"Hey! Keep it down in there! Save the drama for the stage, it'll get better ratings!" A male voice yelled from another dressing room.

* * *

"Sorry about that 5pb- Helena." The 20-something Hero of Planeptune apologised to the newly revealed guitarist for Seven Hels.

"It's quite alright. Now that I can be myself, I'm not afraid someone will blow my cover anymore!" She made a peace sign. "How's you and IF doing anyway?"

Koei put a hand to his chin, stroking his goatee as he did so. "Alright, I guess. Things are still tense between us after the fight we had but…"

"We're on in five!" The director shouted, interrupting the conversation.

"Shit, didn't even read my script…" He muttered, pulling it out and giving it a quick once over. "Really? The Big Bad's lackey? I'm the fucking _Hero of Planeptune_ and I don't even get to be The Dragon?"

"That'll be me…" Helena sighed. "Apparently I was an angel sent down for playing the devil's music… Is this 20XX or 1950?"

"Isn't that Tenacious D's backstory?" He pondered aloud. "Whatever… Oh Goddesses, I just realized who the Big Bad is."

A familiar blue haired heroine of JUSTICE kicked down the dressing room door. "IT IS I! FALLEN HERO ASIN! After my wife was killed in a tragic incident involving a truck, I swore REVENGE on the CPUs! With my allies of vengeance Hellena, a fallen angel herself and Underling, a grunt who worked for ASIC, we WILL DESTROY GAMINDUSTRI!"

Helena politely clapped. "I see why they made you the main villain. You certainly have a talent for it."

"Why thank you. I'll admit, going from a heroine to a villainess is a tad jarring, but it's just swapping some words in my speeches." Nisa said, drinking the coffee she held in one of her gloved hands. "But if it's for my parents, who _were slaughtered like dogs before my very eyes, I will do anything. For I am the half-demon, half-angel fallen hero._"

Koei looked at the script. "Holy shit that was pretty good… And it's not _even in the script._ Should be."

"I don't want to make my backstory into a cheesy action movie." Nisa shook her head. "Poor Etna and Flonne…"

"And that's _another_ franchise directly referenced in this continuity." Koei sighed. "When will the crossovers _end_?"

"Probably when the rift situation is sorted out." Helena kept drinking her tea. "So about when Hell freezes over, going by the author's knack for not giving a shit about actual continuity."

"OI!" Neptune would have slammed the door open if Nisa didn't already break it. "STOP WITH THE META JOKES OR I'LL COME OVER THERE AND _MAKE_ YOU."

She left without another word. "You know it's funny that you and I met when I kicked open your dressing room door in Leanbox." Koei pondered aloud. "And now you've met Nisa the same way. Does this happen often?"

Helena shook her head. "Usually crazed fans don't get too far without Cave showing off her scissors. Or Tekken MMAing them into the ground."

"Oh yeah, Tekken's a canon character. Guess we don't need to add that to the counter." He remarked sarcastically, before ducking under a katana. "NICE TRY NEPTUNE BUT YOU HAVE TO KILL ME **ON SET** NOT IN THE DRESSING ROOM!"

* * *

"Now my allies of **vengeance**, we ride to Planeptune!" The fallen hero, ASIN pointed towards the utopia. "Gamindustri will be **OURS** yet!"

"Yes my lord!" Hellena happily obliged, her raven black wings shimmering underneath the moon's gaze.

"But… We're in _Leanbox_." The Underling pointed out, carrying both of their inventories on his oversized rucksack.

"Yes. We will take the night ferry, then _walk_ to Planeptune!" ASIN stated. "The subway will be too… Conspicuous with your bag, Underling."

He rolled his eyes. "You try carrying your stuff for once."

The arch-villain scoffed. "Villainy is all about _image_! You don't get _image_ hefting around your equipment like any old adventurer! This is why you must learn the ways of villainy, my ally."

Underling rolled his eyes. "If we _looked_ like adventurers, we could-"

"SILENCE, WRENCH!" ASIN slapped Underling across the face. "WE RIDE THE FERRY!"

* * *

"And CUT!" The director shouted, indicating that the scene had ended. "Good work, guys!"

Koei rubbed his face as he put down the not actually heavy bag. "Fucking hell Nisa, you slap like an abusive husband."

"Too much?" Nisa rubbed the back of her head, feeling some shame at least.

"Nah, it was perfect!" The director exclaimed. "Audiences are going to **feel** that slap in the cinema! The plight of Underling and his lack of respect, establishing ASIN as abusive towards him for his inevitable Heel-Face Turn! Mwah! Perfect!"

"Wait." Koei said, holding a hand up. "Did you say _redemption arc?_"

* * *

"Spill, before your blood does." The Guild Agent had finally caught up to Underling, having caught him attempting to steal Planeptune's Artifact, the Blade of Purple Salvation. "Why were you trying to steal Salvation?"

"B-b-because…" Underling stammered as a pistol found its way to his head.

"**EXPLAIN, DAMMIT!**"

"I WANTED REVENGE ON ASIN!" He shouted, thankfully the area was empty aside from the two, meaning nobody heard the grunt's motive. "He treats me like garbage, I'm forced to be his pack mule for him _and_ Hellena and he has an ego the size of PC Continent… I thought if I slit his throat with an Artifact while he was sleeping…"

The Agent put her weapon away. "I see. Well, there's a different way to do that…" She held out a hand. "Join the Resistance. I'll treat you right."

Underling looked at the outstretched hand, and took a look at his own, shaking gloved hand. He had been through so much… Could this stranger change his life?

* * *

"CUT! Beautiful work!" The director yelled happily. "God it's like you two are a couple with that dynamic!"

"Do we hook up in this movie?" Koei asked, rubbing his head where IF's "gun" had been.

"Nah, we're going to tease it and when we kill you off in the third movie, have a little deathbed confession." He explained, holding up the script for the next two movies as he did so.

"Oh that sounds gre- WAIT WHAT?"

* * *

**A/N:** I realise post-publishing that technically speaking "Seven Hels" shouldn't be a thing yet. So uh, minor spoiler for the Epilogue of Sociopath With a Spellblade. As is the Helena thing.

Guess I got a little excited about being able to write 5pb./Helena off stage. But for future reference, this takes place after _Sociopath With a Spellblade_. This will be more relevant in later chapters and once I start introducing those elements, I will throw up a **real** spoiler warning.


End file.
